Learning to Let Go With Taoism
It has taken me many years to come to the realization that I cannot control what happens in the world. Letting go of control is something I find very difficult to do, yet it has been the most helpful practice to my current lifestyle. Taoism revolves around letting go and going with the flow. While I don’t consider myself of any religion, I do look into the teachings they provide and implement what might be helpful in my path. Taoism has given me many teachings and practices that I try to implement in my everyday life. I am not always successful, but when I am, it allows me to have some peace in my mind while the world seems to keep burning around me.
I am an immigrant in the United States at a time when it feels like immigrants are under attack. Actually, it seems like we always have been under attack. Or maybe it started when the majority of immigrants were no longer white europeans. Who knows? It can be hard to see so many loved ones and even myself be deeply affected by policies and laws that are made by people who will never be in our shoes. We have no real control on what the next headline will read. In my case, the DACA program “an administrative policy which offers eligible young people work authorization and temporary protection from deportation” is what protects me and more than 700,000 other individuals from deportation and has been under attack for four years now. (Gonzales 4) These four years have been a huge roller coaster for my family and myself.
In 2016, I lived in Houston, TX and had just graduated high school with honors, in the top 10% of my class, and with an Associate’s Degree. My school had a program that allowed us to take college courses for free and I took enough to earn my associates. Everything seemed to be working out great. I started attending the University of Houston and suddenly realized college is so expensive. As an undocumented student and a first genereation student my resources were very limited. I worked a full time job and attended school full time while helping my parents pay the bills. I thought I had everything under control. Even when Trump was elected, I cried for a night and kept going the next day. It wasn’t until 2017 that I had to accept that I cannot control the way an entire country views me.
In 2017, the DACA program was rescinded for the first time. This meant when my current permit expired, I would no longer be protected from deportation. At the same time the county I was living in was implementing the 287g agreement that would allow local law enforcement to act as ICE. Knowing this, my family decided to move to Illinois, a more welcoming state for immigrants. I ended up dropping out of the university after the first year and I had to let go of the place I knew as “home”. I had to let go of life long friends. I had to let go of family. I had to let go of the “dreamer narrative” that paints a perfect almost citizen. I was forced to let go.
After this happened, I invested myself more in my spiritual practice. I no longer followed a religion at this time. I had long ago given up on Catholicism, the family religion. It never felt right to me. Maybe it was all the brown faces praising the white saints. Maybe it reminded me of feeling less than because of the color of my skin. Maybe it was the justifications tied to Catholicism that my parents gave me for not accepting who I was and my sexuality. Maybe I did enough research to know that the religion was implemented on my native Mexican ancestors, and not in a friendly manner. However many reasons I had, I ended up finding refuge in eastern religions like Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism.
I began to meditate every single day. At the time, it allowed me to silence all the thoughts about not being able to do enough to help my people and feeling useless for it. Feeling like a failure for having to drop out of school when everyone told me I had so much potential. These words from the Tao Te Ching “All things end in the Tao as rivers flow into the sea” remind me that this moment was not permanent. (32) Even if these policies displaced my family and affected the little stability that we had, it was wasted energy to keep remembering what was. My daily practice allowed me to let go and begin to work on being a better me. Today, I am finally pursuing a career that feels right for me and my family is all in a better and safer place than we were a few years back. All things end.
I eventually found a job here in Illinois that allowed me to fight for social justice and immigrant rights as an undocumented person. While this is a great opportunity to do something that can help my community, it has also placed me in the center of information on all new immigration policies, laws, actions, and injustices that happen every single day. It is a very draining yet empowering job. I love being able to help people who are in situations that I have found myself in and advocating for what is right. It is, however, a job that takes a lot of energy because I care so deeply about my work and I’m so attached to it. It is hard to let go of the possibility to influence policy on so many issues, but I am only one person. Through the teachings of Taoism I have come to peace by letting go of some of those projects that, as much as I want to help, there is very little I can do.
I recently requested vacation days to go on a “stillness” trip. Immigrant advocacy does not stop, but my mental, physical, and emotional health can only take so much. With everything going on in the world, I have not given myself the time to continue my daily practice. I will be following very closely the teachings in the Tao Te Ching like “Empty everything out; hold fast to your stillness.” (16) I plan to be still, to reflect, and to rest and recharge. I’m not sure if it was intended to, but the Tao Te Ching teaches so much about mental health. Everything about my readings is guiding me to do inner work and that should eventually be reflected in my outer reality.
The way I have been living with fear of what terrible news will come tomorrow, is not a sustainable way to live at all. Focusing so much on what was or what could be freezes me in the present. I was preparing for the worst when it wasn’t even in sight. After the many challenges I experienced, I thought it was justifiable to react the way I have, but at some point I grew tired of trying to control the inevitable. That has only led me to disappointment and more suffering. Maybe I don’t need to know what my life will be like after my permit expires. Maybe I don’t need to be able to accurately answer those “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” questions. To be honest, I don’t think anyone really knows.
If I can not control the outer world, I can at least control my inner world, my mind. “In the pursuit of learning, every day something is added. In the pursuit of the Tao, every day something is dropped. Less and less is done until you come to action without striving. When you follow this practice, nothing remains undone. All under heaven is won by letting things take their course. Nothing can be gained by interfering” (48) This is one of my favorite quotes from the Tao Te Ching. While I don’t believe I will completely allow the world to run its course without interfering a little bit, I will be more selective in choosing my battles. I now understand that some things simply are. They exist, have existed, and maybe I can’t change the entire world, but through inner work, I can begin to change my world. I’ll leave off with one last quote that encompasses my outlook in life as I go into my few days of stillness. “Hence, through yourself look at Self. Through your household look at Household. Through your community look at Community. Through your country look at Country. Through your world look at World. How do I know that the world is like this? Because of what is within me”. (54)
