Not Knowing
I recently came out of a bit of a rut. I left my job of almost 4 years. And you may say, “It's just a job” and maybe it was, but for me, it became my life. I worked at a nonprofit where my job was to help immigrant families get on their feet and thrive. Families who struggled to make rent every month. Families who lived in constant fear of deportation and family separation. Families who knew nothing of this new world but still tried to give their kids everything. Families like mine. In the eyes of every parent looking for a job, every grandparent finally eligible for a green card, every teenager looking for a scholarship or volunteer hours, I saw my family.
Work quickly became my priority. And as much as I love my real family, I rarely ever made time for them. 15 hour days, Sunday events, time off? Who’s she? The work I was doing felt personal and I had to keep going, or so I would tell myself every time I thought about quitting. “I’m helping MY people.” Well, why can't I help them another way? Why do I have to make it my job to help people? Shouldn't I try to help myself too? Maybe then I can help people financially. When was the last time I saw my family? They’re moving to Texas soon and I will be all alone. Well, I’m always alone. When was the last time I took a vacation? When was the last time I slept for 7 hours straight? When was the last time I talked about my immigrant story to a friend and not to a crowd of people at an event?
Working from home during the pandemic made it increasingly hard to feel like I was ever done with work at the end of the day. Not only that, but as a salaried employee, it felt like I was always on call whenever something new happened with immigration policy or when I needed to fill in for a colleague. The lack of boundaries made my days become increasingly overwhelming. I can't tell you how many times I had a breakdown in the middle of the day, wiped my tears, and went back to work. It was draining, to say the least.
So I quit. I felt so incredibly lost. I wanted to take some time off to rest but everyone around me kept asking, “did you find a new job yet?” “where have you applied?” “You should really send those job applications soon” “what’s your plan?” I started to feel like my life wasn't worth anything if I didn't have a job. I felt lost. I tried to take a break, but the entire time I was filled with anxiety about what I will do next. Why? Why the need to prove my worth to the world? Why is it so hard to be content with what I have right now? Why does it feel so wrong to take a break?
I’m finally in a place where I feel like I’m back on track. As scary as it was these last few months, not knowing what will happen was also exciting. Maybe that's the caffeine talking, still lingering from the late nights I spent sending resumes and cover letter after cover letter. Regardless, there is a thrill in knowing that you could go anywhere from here. Reinvent yourself. Finally pursue your dreams, what you are truly passionate about. The door of possibilities is open and this is the time to walk through it. For the first time in a long time, I can say that I am working towards something my 12-year-old self would've wanted. And that's all I need for now.
